Wednesday October 31

I skipped breakfast again this morning. I guess I am spoilt as normally Leanne makes breakfast because she wakes up earlier than me as she starts work earlier. There is no reason why I can’t make my own but I just don’t. Breakfast has never been a meal I am fond of eating early in the morning. In the past I have forced myself to eat something just because we are suppose to apparently. Anyway at this stage it is not affecting my overall appetite.

Taylah made a chicken caesar salad for lunch that was quite nice but I didn’t eat that until near 3 o’clock. I did have some pork crackle for a snack around 11 though.

Taylah’s cricket training in Ipswich was cancelled tonight which I find quite annoying. Don’t get me wrong the thought of not having to drive for over an hour each way is nice but it means I am now available for another commitment I was happy to avoid. Tonight was my son Hayden’s award night for school. Now people are going to probably think what a bad parent not wanting to go to your son’s awards night and you might be fair with that perception. However let me clarify, I love nothing more than watching my children participate in these type of events. Unfortunately this one normally goes for about 3 hours and beside the two times my son is on the stage for a total of about 10 minutes it is boring. Actually that is not completely true, there is plenty of other entertaining stuff in between the boring stuff but not enough to make up for the boredom. Close to 3 hours seating in the same seat is quite painful for me. As I have mentioned before I am fat everywhere except my arse. I would kill for just a little bit of that fat to cushion my arse, but alas that is not the case.

The real problem came from how late we got home from this event. I was absolutely starving and was looking forward to what Caitlin my middle child had cooked for dinner why we were out. Well due to the event going overtime dinner looked quite uninviting and it really pissed me off. It wasn’t Caitlin’s fault or even really the schools fault. It was mainly mine for not eating enough during the day and my depression issues were playing a part. I could feel myself starting a downer, falling deeper into that dark whole and as I have said before food has been my emotional crutch at these times. I had already snapped up Taylah and Hayden in the car on the way home and I knew I was angrier than I had a right to be. I slammed my plate down on the kitchen bench and said I am not eating this shit and went and sulked on the couch. I haven’t been like this for a while and I was upset for my behaviour as well as the anxiety of not knowing how long will this bout last.

After sitting on the couch I played Red Dead for about 45 minutes and went to bed without eating dinner. I did eat a thick slice of salami but that was all. I tried to take the positive out of the fact that this may just help me lose more weight and I was just hoping I would wake up feeling better in the morning.

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